Kevin's Dream States

This entry doesn’t follow my typical logging formats. It’s been over 2 years since my last entry, and so much has changed.

Since March 2024, the Papineau Homes project was spectacularly torpedoed by incompetence and indifference. Bernice and Alain had given up on their project, and by extension, on ours. They messed up our paperwork, which means we didn’t get to close on our portion of property in time.

Because we had to purchase our own house temporarily, due to John and Wendy changing the terms of our living arrangement, we no longer had any contingency to absorb the cost of price increases due to delay. So, that was that.

We moved to North Bay on August 29, 2024. It’s taken me some time to settle in. The first year here felt like a blur as I had difficulty coming to terms with what happened. We’ve since broken off contact with John and Wendy, and Bernice and Alain.

I’m now living in a paradox of feelings.

Asher has been diagnosed with Autism, and we’ve discovered he has a tendency to “elope”, or make a runner for it, when given an opportunity. Had we gone forward with building a property surrounded by acres and acres of nothing, this could have been problematic. But as it stands, we’re surrounded by neighbours that have had to pull in Asher from the cold, and by supports to help Asher to develop the skills he’ll need.

So, that’s a very high level of the last 2 years. What now?

I find myself contemplating the possibility of starting a new business, and looking for new work in North Bay at the same time. I’ve started networking to meet new people. And more recently, I’ve visited the “start with why” ideology to better wrap my head around what service I want to deliver, exactly, and to who?

So far, when I read the services I offer back to myself, it sounds a lot like setting up another web design business, which I’m not really keen to do.

But perhaps, if I’m thoughtful around why I’m doing what I’m doing, I can perhaps avoid the mistake of competing with web development “sweat shops” in China and India.

From a practical perspective, having a business provides opportunities to connect with other business owners in North Nay and surrounding area.

But there’s more to it than that.

We moved north to build something, specifically, a house. And we didn’t get to see that come to fruition. The fact that this project was meant to honour Toby makes it all the more challenging to accept.

So, what else can we build?

I recently read a post on social that discusses being a billionaire vs. a millionaire. At some point, more money is just a personal best score. It doesn’t profoundly change your quality of life. But finding more time does.

And I think that’s what I want to provide to small business owners: Time. Rest. Peace. The very thing, I suppose, that I wish I had more of with Toby. By offering time, rest, and peace to small business owners, perhaps they’ll appreciate the extra time they have available to be with their family, the way I wish I had more time to be with Toby.

More on this later, it’s currently 12:30am and I don’t want to stay up too late. But I need to dig into this a little more. Perhaps this is a new chance at building something to honour Toby’s memory.

Dream Goal

None

Meditation and Sleep

No meditation. Went to bed at about 11:00 pm and woke up at about 6:30 am.

Dream

It’s been a while since I’ve added anything to this site. Coincidentally, the last entry was around the time Enid and Asher were born. *LOL*

On the evening of March 15, they both actually slept, which was great!

That also meant I had a dream, which wasn’t necessarily so great.

Naturally, I had a dream about Toby.

In the dream, Toby was still alive, with cancer. I got the feeling that it was still terminal, but he had been afforded more time, somehow. It was 3 years after he actually died, which would have made him about 15 years old in the dream.

Somehow, in the dream, it made complete sense that the reason why we hadn’t seen much of him was because he had taken off for Toronto to spend time there, and to be with friends that he had made there.

Contemplations and Connections

Even though I knew this was impossible, and I should have been dismayed that he basically ran away from home while still being treated for cancer, I wasn’t all that upset. I was grateful that Toby was alive, had friends, and was able to make independent decisions.

And then I woke up.

Dream Goal

None

Meditation and Sleep

No meditation. Went to bed at about 11:00 pm with the twins and woke up at about 8:30 am.

Dream

We were in the new house, at the Papineau farm. There was a family of foxes playing in the yard. I called out and got the attention of one of them — a younger, inquisitive one. It ran toward the house, climbed up to the window, and chittered at us. I distinctly recall this fox being slightly paler, and having a wider face than the other foxes.

Contemplations and Connections

I find it interesting that this dream was focused on the future house we’re to build. The structure of the fox’s face reminded me of a baby. Perhaps one of the twins? Perhaps Toby?

Themes

• Lost medical documents
• Related to dependants
• A week before Toby’s birthday

This was a strange one.

On Thursday, September 29, 2022, Emily took our dog Paddington to see the vet about a wart on his snout.

Paddington was given a prescription. Emily remembered leaving the vet with it. But when she got home, she couldn’t find the document. I checked the van, and couldn’t find it. We assumed it was lost in the parking lot at the vet’s office.

But later that day, as I was walking toward the van for an unrelated trip, I saw a piece of paper lying on the grass between ours and Terri & Penny’s house. I flipped it over, and it was Paddington’s prescription. Lucky that!

On Saturday, October 1, 2022, I took Sebastian to get blood work done related to taking Valproic Acid for his seizures. When we arrived at the lab, I could not locate his requisition, despite being sure I brought it to the car. Perhaps I only brought it to the front door? In any case, I looked all over the car and could not find it.

Assuming I had left it at home, and as the lab was going to close in less than 2 hours, I decided to walk in to reschedule. When I saw the check-in line, I changed my mind and decided to reschedule online when we got home. As I approached the van in the parking lot, I saw a piece of paper lying in the shoulder that I hadn’t noticed when I parked up. I flipped it over, and it was Sebastian’s requisition. Weird!

In both cases, documents for dependants being taken to a medical appointment were lost, but later found by the van — a van we bought to take Toby to his appointments. The latest incident being about a week before his birthday (October 1), and almost 2 years exactly since I took him home from school for the last time before his liver failed.

The tsunami of coincidences around that line up too heavily.

Fuck.

I miss you, Toby.

Dream Goal

None

Meditation and Sleep

No meditation. Went to bed at 11:00 pm and woke up at 6:30 am.

Dream

I found myself at a cooking event with Gordon Ramsay. A group of us were preparing lunch.

For some reason, I thought it was appropriate to eat what I cooked before it could be evaluated. I don’t think I realized we were being evaluated, but that it was an event to enjoy the experience of cooking. Woops.

By the time I realized my error, it was too late to do anything about it. I didn’t make any excuses. I know I messed up and apologized. Ramsay gave me a severe on-brand verbal thrashing. But in doing so, he crossed a line with me by suggesting that Toby was better off dead.

I walked away from the event, throwing my chef’s jacket on the ground as I left. When I left the room, I broke down crying the same way I did when I learned at Sick Kids that Toby was going to die.

Later, Ramsay visited my hotel room to personally apologize.

I appreciated that he took time from his schedule to apologize personally. I believed his apology was sincere. But I still had a hard time forgiving him.

In a flash/next moment, I had learned the recipe for Toby’s favourite Mac and Cheese and served it instead. I didn’t complete the task that was expected of me, but did receive complements on the Mac and Cheese.

Contemplations and Connections

This dream was tough.

I felt like there were parallels to the journey we followed in learning of Toby’s cancer. Our health system didn’t understand what they were looking for, and failed to do what was expected of them. I was enraged early in my grief about the health system failing Toby.

I also remember feeling like I had failed to do my job as a parent in keeping Toby alive, and what it feels like when people are insensitive about my grief.

Man. I really want a proper serving of Mac and Cheese